NO, I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT

by JEAN-CLAUDE GRUMBERG
Translated by Nicolas Kent

English translation represented by

Nicki Stoddart
United Agents
12-26 Lexington Street
London W1F 0LE

0203 214 0869

Draft January 2013

Scene 1

BEANS

Henri & Solange's apartment
They are both seated at a table in the kitchen or the dining room or somewhere else.
Long silence then……..

M: No, I just don't believe it

MME: What?

M: That beans make you fart

MME:  Beans make you fart?

M: No they don't

MME: Why are you saying that anyway?

M: Why am I saying what?

MME: That beans make you fart

M:  I'm saying I just don't believe they do - that's what I am saying.

MME:  Who says that they do?  Who? 

M: Everybody

MME: I've never heard that

M: You've never heard that beans make you fart?

MME: Never

M:  What planet are you on? Where do you live?

MME: Here

M: Thank you - I know that

MME: Well then

M: Well then, what?

MME: If everybody says they do

M: It's got to be true…..

MME: Exactly

M: So that's what you're saying - if everyone repeats the same idiotic nonsense, then it must be true.

MME: Yes

M: I suppose you've never noticed that they've been trying to brainwash us for ages - have you?

MME: Do you believe that?

M: I don't believe it, I know it.

MME: What do you know?

M: That beans don't make you fart. Oh shit, we do speak the same language don't we?

MME: There's no need to be crude

M: Crude or not. I am the living proof.

MME: Proof of what?

M: I never eat beans, and I fart all the time!

MME: So do I

M: So do you what?

MME Never eat beans

M: What an amazing revelation!

MME: And I fart all the time

M: You do

MME: I do

M; I've never heard you

MME: That's because I fart inwardly

M: You fart inwardly

MME: Mamma and Papa were church-goers

M: No

MME: Yes

M: No, no way

MME: Yes definitely. My brother and I were brought up very tight-arsed, if you must know

M: You're confused

MME I'm confused?

M: Yes between farts and wind

MME: Aren't they the same?

M: Not at all, not at all - look at the proof

MME What proof? What proof Mr Know- it -All?

M:  I am not a Know it all, but what I do know, I know I know.

MME: So do I

M: So do you what?

MME:  Know that what one knows one knows.

M: That's what you say

MME: Of course, who else would?

M: Sorry, but , you see,  in my opinion that doesn't constitute a proof

Silence

MME: (starting again with a sigh) Good, well,that's that then, what do you want to eat this evening?

M: I don't give a damn!

MME: That's charming

M: Don't mention it

MME: That's bloody helpful

M: You want me to help you make dinner?

Pause

MME: I suppose that you'd like something that doesn't make you fart?

M: I couldn't give a damn

MME: So, what shall I make?

M: I told you  - whatever you want.

MME: I don't know

M: Beans

MME: Beans?

M: We never have them

MME: We never have them because they make you fart!

Pause

M: Fuck, shit - go and take a crap!

MME: What did you say?

M: Nothing. I was just talking -  inwardly

Silence 

MME: Henri, don't take this badly, but it 's becoming more and more difficult to talk to you about anything - even simple things like cooking.

M: Pffffffffffffff

MME: What did you say?

M: Nothing I was farting

MME: Well at least that's preferable.

Madame turns on the television there is an advertising jingle

Scene 2
THIRTY SEVEN CENTIMETRES

The husband and wife at dinner, in the living room or, even better, in bed. Long silence, then……….

M: No, I just don't believe it.  37 centimetres. I don't believe his was that long!

MME: Who?

M: Thingmebob

MME: Who's thingmebob?

M:: Thingy

MME: I don't know what you're on about

M: Thingmebob, Thingy, your pal

MME:  Oh, him?

M: Yes

MME:  37 centimetres, you said?

M: Not me, you

MME: Me what?

M: You, you said it!

MME: How the hell should I know? It's ages since I last saw him.

M: What's the difference?

MME:  37 centimetres

M: Approximately

MME: Approximately?

M: You were very precise:  37 centimetres…. approximately

MME: What are you on about?

M: You even boasted that he showed it off to everyone at the drop of a hat

MME: Who?

M: Thingy

MME: He showed "what" off? 

M: Solange!

Silence

MME: Where did he show it off?

M: At the swimming pool - Cosi Cosi

MME: Oh, I see.

M:  Ah, it's coming back to you

MME: Certainly not, but it would have had to be there, and I'd have only glanced at it 

Silence

M: You do know how long 37 centimetres is?

MME: Slightly less than 40.

M:  (demonstrating) Almost as big as that ……

MME: Amazing

M: Didn't it shock you?

MME:That's all we need

M: It's quite a picture

MME: Look, I only went to that swimming pool a couple of times, and anyway I was always with my sister.

M: Your sister would have noticed it as well then?

MME: You're crazy! She was a child.

M: She's got eyes hasn't she? And besides she wore glasses.

MME: She took them off for swimming

M: But she still had her eyes, didn't she?

MME: Sorry, but why did you have to bring this up this evening?

M: Maybe it's never occurred to you that it upset me

MME: It's upsetting you?

M: No, it upset me

MME: What upset you

M: Your 37 centimetres 

MME: My 37 centimetres

M: That's it

MME: And you're having a go at me for having mentioned it -  where and where was this?

M: At the hotel

MME: Which hotel?

M: The hotel - on the first evening

MME: The hotel on the first evening - our Wedding night?

M: That's it

MME: And why?

M: Ah yes, well you tell me?

Brief silence

MME: The evening of our Wedding night - that's raising something
that's been buried for 20 years now

M: 30

MME: 30 years

M: Exactly

MME: How time flies

M: The days get longer, and the years get shorter.

MME: So it's been bugging you for 30 years?

M: No it hasn't, it's been, what's the phrase, 'clouding the issue'.

MME: Hang on, Hang on a minute, I told you this just 'before'?

M: No just 'afterwards'

MME: So it wasn't what's his name's  37 centimetres that cut you off in your prime.

M:  'Afterwards', it did.

MME: Okay afterwards, but what about beforehand?

M: No, not before

Silence

MME: You know what?

M: No, but you are going to tell me

MME: Perhaps it was a rumour

M: A rumour?

MME: Something that somehow got exaggerated

M: A tall story

MME: Exactly

M: And the bigger it is, the better it is

MME: Don't you believe that!

M: Don't believe what?

MME The bigger it is, the better it is

M: I was saying that the bigger the tall story the more chance it has of being…….

MME: Yeah yeah yeeah, in that sense, yes exactly

M: So now you get it, it takes forever to explain anything to you

MME:  Size has nothing to do with it

M:  Really

MME:  37 or 7 - same difference

M:  7 ?

MME: That wasn't aimed at you

M: And who was it aimed at then?

MME: No one, nobody in particular

M: So you just start chatting to 'nobody in particular'  here in this room  when there's only us?

MME: I was just saying that 37 centimetres or less - doesn't make the slightest difference in the grand scheme of things -  just the opposite in fact

M: Just the opposite?

MME: Yes, like everything else, its the average that's the true measure

M: Oh and on what set of statistics do you base these assertions?

MME: You don't need statistics - It is something everybody knows, it's common knowledge

M: Except me

MME: That's because you're not a woman

M: There's more to it than that

MME: More than what?

M: Nothing

MME: Go on, go on, spit it out!

M: Let's forget it

MME: Oh no, not now you've decided to talk about your problems.

M: My problems! My problems! What problems?

MME: Excuse me, but if now  30 years on, you're going to start bringing up your 37 centimetres all over again………

M: My  37 centimetres

MME: I meant what'shisnames' hypothetical 37 centimetres

M:  Since we are on the subject - was it  37 centimetres when it
was limp or…..?

MME: Or what?

M: Oh please! Don't pretend to be even more stupid than you are!

MME: Well Mr know all.. if you're going to take it like that!

M: Okay - let's talk about something else - you start

MME: What's the subject?  The length of vaginas?

M: I am sorry I raised the subject

MME: No need to be sorry.

M: 30 years on, It never occurred to me I'd open an old wound, I' m sorry.

MME: Open an old wound, you must be joking?!

M: Sadly I see that we will never be able to tackle this subject without your being emotionally immature

MME: Me, emotionally immature! Me! What about you for God's sake? 30 years later this is upsetting you - No, No, really who's talking about being immature?

M: It might have occurred to you,that  just now,  when I brought up the subject of the  37 centimetres, I brought it up both calmly and unemotionally.

MME: You only have to write a letter to an agony aunt

M: What's that got to do with anything?

MME: Or consult a sex therapist

M: Sorry, but surely it was up to you to consult one if you felt "unsatisfied"

MME: Who said that I felt unsatisfied?

M:  7 centimetres!

MME: Well nine and half, don't let's skimp on it

M:Thank you

MME: Not at all - keep the change

M: Well, what's on the telly tonight?

Long silence whilst they consult the TV guide, then…

MME:  37, you're sure?

M: What do you mean, am I sure?

MME: I could have said  27 and you might have thought I said  37

M: Just let it go. Alright, okay?

MME: Because 37 - well, I agree with you..

M: What do you mean?

MME: I just don't believe it

M: Ah, at long last

MME: 27 how long is that?

M: This much

MME: Approximately?

M: Approximately

MME Well I wouldn't say no to that

M: You wouldn't say no to what?

MME: To 27, and I daresay it might have even been 17

Long silence

M: If it was seventeen or twenty-seven and not thirty-seven why did you tell me thirty seven and not twenty seven or seventeen

MME: I was a country girl, I'd just arrived here

M: What's that got to do with it?

MME: I still had an accent, thirty- seven, twenty-seven, seventeen it's all  the same

M: It's not all the same

MME: You're right. 17 seems much more civilised

M: Well, I didn't force you to say it

MME: Oh excuse me, my dear

M: Forget it

MME: So it's been upsetting you for ages, and now you've got yourself all worked up for nothing

M: Forget it, if it wasn't that, it would have been something else

MME: What do you mean by that?

M: I was born to be…..

MME: What were you born to be, dearest?

M: Worked up and upset for nothing.

MME: Oh for crying out loud!

She turns on the telly. 

Scene 3

THE YETI

Henri and Solange sitting in the living room at the table or somewhere else.
Long silence

M: No I just don't believe in the Yeti

MME: Why?

M: There's no why or wherefore. I just don't believe it's there, that's all

MME: I do, I believe it's there

M: You believe it's there. Do you ?

MME: There's no need to snigger, yes I do, I believe it's there.

M: So, can you tell me what a Yeti is?

MME: Don't patronise me - I am not stupid you know!

M: Tell me, then

MME: A large ape covered in hair

M: No,no, absolutely not. Its an "abominable snowman"!

MME: That's just what I said:  a large ape covered in hair.

M: No no.  Its an "abominable snowman" 

MME: Who appears as a large hairy ape walking barefoot in the snow. I know, I saw it on the telly

M:   You just saw its footprints on the telly, in the snow, full stop.

MME: Normally to have footprints you need to have feet. And for there to be feet you need…

M:  Don't get your knickers into a twist, your yeti doesn't exist, and if it did, it would be "an abominable snowman" not a large hairy ape.

MME:  That's no big deal: man is descended from the apes.

M: That remains to be proved

MME: What remains to be proved?

M: Everything that hasn't already been demonstrated scientifically, I…..

MME:  What about Darwin?

M: It's nearly two hundred years since he was around.

MME: And so?

M: Science has moved on

MME: And so?

M: Man has evolved

MME: So he's no longer descended from the apes?

M: Scientifically speaking…….

MME: Oh that's absolutely true, in this building, he's no longer descended from the apes, we're just being blinded by science.

M: What's that supposed to mean?

MME: Exactly what you thought it meant.

Silence

M: Alright, let's look at it differently…

MME: In what way differently?

M: In a way that you might be able to follow

MME: Thanks

M: You believe He created the world in six days?

MME: Who? The yeti?

M: Who? How can anyone talk to you?!  The yeti!  Who do you think , in your opinion, created the world?

MME: How do I know?

M: "How do I know " she says!

MME: You tell me, we were just talking about the yeti weren't we? - yes or no?

M: I just said "let's look at it differently, didn't I"? yes or no?

MME: Yeah yeah yeah, and so?

M: I asked you if, in your opinion God, do you understand, God? God…..

MME: Yes God…..

M: Made the world in six days?

MME: If He made the world in six days?

M: I asked you the question: do you, or don't you think he made the world in six days?

MME Me, I'd say fewer than that

M: What do you mean fewer than that?

MME:  Given the state of the world six days seems rather a lot to me

M: Friday, he created the animals, Saturday, man. So Q.E.D. man cannot be descended from the apes. There is not enough time - you get it?

MME:  Maybe not for man, but for the yeti, definitely

M: He didn't create a yeti. None of the religious texts speak about a yeti. None of them!

MME: Just because your texts don't mention one - it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. They just weren't around at the time to see one.

M: There isn't a yeti! There isn't the slightest trace of a yeti in Genesis!

MME: In my opinion on Friday he created the ape, Saturday man. Disappointed by both of them he took Sunday off to make the yeti - you're just trying to blind me with science again! 

M: There isn't a yeti, for God's sake. Nobody has ever seen a yeti!  Nobody!

MME:  Except the guy with the slitty eyes and the pointy head who saw it, with his own eyes, and who I saw, with my own eyes, when he was on the telly.

M: Your guy with the slitty eyes said he seen foot-prints. Full stop.

MME: And the yeti

M: No, no, no, no, not the yeti. If the yeti had have been there, they would have filmed it in order to screen it in Prime Time, instead of cobbling together their stupid little programme about footprints presented by some pointy head which they then put out in the small hours of the night.

MME: It was a repeat.

M: No no no no. They just set up a stupid stunt with size 58 footprints

MME: Size 58. That's  unbelievable isn't it?

M: Yeah  - it's a practical joke!

MME: To you, maybe, but I believe it.

M: Nobody, you hear, nobody has ever seen it

MME: Except, as I've just been saying , the guy with the slitty eyes.

M: And the potato head, I know.

MME: If you know, what are we arguing about?

M: Shut up, shut up, shut up!

MME: What's got into you.

M:  Can't you see? I'm checking my blood pressure

MME: I can see that you're checking your pulse

M: In my case it's the same thing

MME: With most people - it isn't

M: When my pulse quickens, my blood pressure rises, okay?

MME: Okay, and so?

M: It shows that I am getting tense

MME: So now you're tense?

M: What the hell do you think?

MME: If being wrong makes you tense,  why don't you try and be right sometimes?

M: You piss me off, d'you hear. You piss me off with your yeti !

Silence

MME: I am certain that Madame Yeti sitting in her cave feels more respected by her husband yeti, than I do sitting here in my own living room.

M: You have only got to find one

MME: What?

M: A yeti

MME: I can't stand hair

M: You've never mentioned that before

MME: It's always disgusted me

M:  Perhaps the guy with the slitty eyes saw female yeti tracks

MME: I don't mind about that

M: What?

MME: Ending my days with a female yeti

M: With size 58 feet?

MME: We'd leave our footprints side by side in the snow

M: I'd like to see you barefoot walking in the snow

MME: Fat chance, because we'll never get there

M: Yes, because you'd hate doing it

MME: Of course I'd hate walking barefoot in the snow in the middle of the winter, but in Summer……….

M: If you were living together, shacked up with a yeti  you'd have to walk in it - even in winter

MME: He'd carry me on his back

M: You want to know the truth?

MME: Not particularly, but I imagine you're going to tell me.

M: Your imagination leaves a lot to be desired. On reflection, I'd rather not...

MME: You'd rather not what?

M: Tell you the truth

Silence

MME: That's it then?

M: That's it (he starts to rise)

MME: And so where are you going with this? 

M: I'm going to put the beast to bed

MME: At least put your slippers on. Don't leave slippery footprints on the floor when you get out of the shower!

M: I'm not having a shower tonight

MME: Why on earth not?

M: It itches

MME:  What itches

M: The calcium in the water, I imagine.

MME: Where does it itch?

M: Everywhere

MME: Everywhere -  where particularly?

M: Everywhere where I've got hair, particularly on my back

MME: So suddenly you've stopped washing

M: I'll shower tomorrow morning

MME: Oh, and so in the morning it won't itch?

M: I know, I know, I know, but it'll stop on the metro

MME: Well why are you making such a fuss about it now then?

M: If you see footprints in the living room they won't be mine - especially if they are size 58.

MME: Oh you really are the limit!

M: You're not coming to bed?

MME: I am going to watch telly.

M: What's on?

MME: Something

M: What sort of thing?

MME: A documentary

M: What on?

MME: Hunting Limurges in the Ardennes and Northern China

M: In Northern China?

MME: And in the Ardennes, yes

M: That interests you?

MME: Yes, yes it interests me. Anything about wild-life really fascinates me

M: Fine - give yourself a treat

MME: You're not going to watch?

M: No thank you, I 'm going to bed

MME: And later on you'll claim that Limurges don't exist.

M: I don't have to watch the television to tell you that!

MME: My brother……

M:  (cutting her off) What about your brother

MME: Oh don't start on again about my brother, eh.

M:  Nighty night

MME: Don't expect me to tell you the story

M: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I am fast asleep already. 

MME: Hey that's a coincidence!

M:  What's going on?

MME: It's the same guy with the slitty eyes and the pointy head talking about the……………

The documentary theme tune comes from the telly

M: Doesn't surprise me

MME: What doesn't surprise you?

M: They're everywhere

MME: Who?

M: Those guys with the pointy heads

MME: And the slitty eyes?

M: You see, you see. Exactly! Now you're beginning to understand what I'm on about…..

Long silence
Theme tune and then a commentary on Limurges
Henri sits down again
They watch the telly in silence - gripped by the film

SCENE 4

GHOST WRITERS

M: I just don't believe that he writes his own books

MME: Why

M: They're too good

MME: What are too good?

M: His books

MME: Have you read them?

M: You know perfectly well -

MME: I know perfectly well what…………….?

M: I can't read

MME: You can't read?

M: It sends me to sleep

Short silence

MME: Then how do you know his books are so good?

M: They just said so, in enormous detail, for a whole hour on the telly, were you asleep?

MME: I wasn't sleeping

M: It made me want to..

MME; Sleep

M: No read his books!

MME: Then read them!

M:  I've just  told you, they send me to sleep.

MME: What exactly sends you to sleep?

M: Reading, just reading

MME: Arts programmes do that for me

M: Sorry, but we can't always watch wild-life programmes.

Silence

MME: If he doesn't write his books then, who does?

M: Someone else obviously.

MME: Someone we don't know?

M: Exactly

MME: So why has he just been talking about them on the telly then?

M: That's what they pay him for.

MME: He doesn't speak very well though

M: Obviously

MME: Why obviously?

M:  If you didn't write it, it is hard to talk about a book that you probably haven't even actually read, especially if its in front of millions of people who haven't read it either, and who'll probably never read it anyway.

MME: Especially if you have got a stammer

M: Especially if you've got a stammer

MME: So they chose him because of his looks

M: They must have

MME: But he doesn't look like a writer

M: Exactly

MME: What exactly

M: They want to catch us out

MME: Who

M: The Book trade mafia want to catch us out

MME: Who's us?

M: Us the readers

MME: Do you think this is some sort of marketing ploy?

M: I don 't think so, I know so

MME: That's appalling

M: Why is it any more appalling for books than it is for most other things in everyday life?

MME: No I mean for  the real writer who did all this work, and nobody knows who he is.

M: The Ghost writer

MME: You're sure there is a Ghost writer?

M: Yes, of course, I am absolutely sure

MME: So they're not going to pay him?

M: Yes, and if they don't, that con artist on telly with the stutter will be laughing all the way to the bank.

MME: Even though he never wrote it

M: Yes, he's the one we recognise. We don't even 'know' the Ghost writer's name, let alone his face.

MME: Victor Hugo

M: Victor Hugo? You're crazy

MME: I was just wondering if Victor Hugo wrote everything himself or whether he had help?

M: He didn't have help!

MME: Even with the poetry?

M:  He did it all himself. Prose, poetry, the post  - everything

MME: Well he had a pretty good body

M:  Yes he was built for it

MME: But you're sure he wrote everything, everything, everything by himself?

M: He never ever stopped except to to take a piss.

MME: Incredible

M: Moliere, on the other hand..

MME: Moliere?

M: He had a Ghost writer

MME: Did he?

M; Corneille….

MME: Corneille as well?

M: Corneille was Moliere's Ghost writer

MME: That's incredible. I never knew that Corneille was a Ghost writer

M: He wrote all Moliere's comedies

MME: Corneille?

M: Yes

MME: And his tragedies

M: No,  Corneille used his brother for his tragedies.

MME: Was he a Ghost writer too?

M: Of course

MME: How do you know all this?

M: Charles told me

MME: And how does he know it?

M: From the internet

MME: Even so

M: Even so what?

MME:  It's lucky someone invented that gadget

M: What gadget

MME: The internet

M: That's true

MME: Yes because without it anyone could pull the wool over eyes without us ever realising the true facts

M: Good, well what are we having tonight?

MME: To eat

M: No, on the telly

MME: The same old rubbish

M: And the fodder?

MME In my house we don't have fodder we eat meals

M: Okay what  are having to eat

MME: I don't know

M: You don't know?

MME: It's not me that's doing the cooking

M: Who is it then?

MME: The Ghost writer who wrote what'shisname's books

M: Are you having me on?

MME: It's the downstairs neighbour

M: The neighbour

MME:  Yes, the one from downstairs, she's Spanish

M: And so?

MME: She adores cooking

M: And what the hell do you do for the whole bloody day?

MME: I sit in front of the telly

M: And what do you watch?

MME: Nothing. I sleep

M: A pretty good life you have, don't you?

MME: Do you think so?

SCENE 5

THE AFTER-LIFE

M: I just don't believe there's an after-life

MME: Well actually I believe the opposite

M: Do you? You believe there is life after death?

MME: I said, I believe the opposite.

M: And what exactly do you think the opposite is?

MME: I don't think there is a life before death

M: What are you saying?

MME:  I don't think there is a life before death!

M:  Oh, you don't say so. Jolly good, bravo!  You're just trying to ruin the atmosphere by suggesting that

MME: What what do you mean?

M: Exactly "what do you mean?", playing the naive little woman

MME: Just because I am contradicting you I am a naive little woman, am I?

M: You don't even realise what absolute rubbish you've just come up with

MME: What, what do you think I said?

M: That there isn't a life

MME: Before death yes, and so?

M: "And so", what do you mean by that then? What's this all about? You and me?

MME: We are having an argument.

M: We are alive, yes or no for God's sake? we are living!

MME: If you call it living…..

M: I don't believe it, I don't believe it. I am being driven mad here!

MME:  Even though you're saying there's no life after death, I am not going to let that get to me.

M: Yes, yes, that's my belief, there isn't a life after death!

MME Good, and all I am saying is, there isn't one before either. I can't quite see why that makes you climb up the walls. Everyone has their opinions, everyone has the right to express their own opinions, don't they? After all we live in a democracy.

M: So what is it? What's life for you then?

MME: Something else

M: What else

MME: Something other than that.

M: What's that then?

MME: Oh, you're driving me round the bend, next time I'll just agree with you.

PAUSE

M: Do you want to go travelling?

MME: Where?

M: I don't know where, travelling…………..

MME: Travelling for travelling's sake - no thanks.

M: Well then, visiting other cities, other countries.

MME: I used to do that once

M: When?

MME: Before I met you.

M: Okay then, let's go somewhere - to the country, the sea-side or skiing, I don't know?

MME: If you don't, how do you expect me to?

M: India, Africa or South America

MME: That's a long way away…………..

M: Yes, absolutely, that's what's good about it, it's far away.

MME: If we are going to go and just see misery and poverty everywhere, then there's enough of that on television

M: Okay then, let's go out then, I don't know where,somewhere - let's go to the theatre, a restaurant, the opera, a cinema or just into the centre of town to do some shopping.

MME: No, that's kind, but no.

M: No?

MME: You know, you wouldn't believe it, but I like the humdrum way things are.

M: So that's the sort of life that suits you? Your bum on your sofa, your nose glued to the telly - is that what you want?

MME: I didn't choose it, but it suits me. Only I'd hardly call it a life

M: Oh for fuck's sake - what the hell are you hoping to get out of life - what are you hoping for?

MME: What was I hoping for….?

M: Okay okay what were you hoping for?

MME: Life after death, but as you've just told me there isn't one, I don't know what else there is to hope for. Perhaps some lovely animal programmes on the telly, at a reasonable hour of the night…that's all. That would be a start wouldn't it?

M: Bouh…

MME:  Why are you going bouh

M: I am suffocating

MME: It'll pass

M: It's going already

MME: Everything goes in time

M: Bloody hell, Fuck!

MME: Sorry?

M: Nothing, nothing. Shall we talk about something else

MME: What else shall do you want to talk about?

M: What are we going to have for dinner tonight?

MME: Chilies

M: What sort of chillies

MME: Chilli-con-carne

M: Spanish is it?

MME: Chilean

M: Oh the Senora also does Chilean dishes

MME: It's her lodger

M: She's Chilean?

MME: Vietnamese

M: So what's that got to do with Chile then?

MME: She was a refugee in Chile under Pinochet

M: Pinochet?

MME: Yes, she was fleeing the communist regime at home, and she landed up in Chile

M: And so what's she doing here?

MME: After the fall of Pinochet she fled Chile, because she was frightened the communists would return to power, and she was given asylum in Pakistan

M: So she also cooks Pakistani food?

MME: I don't know. I'll ask the Spanish senora.

M: How come she has landed up in our building?

MME: When she was in Pakistan she became an aid worker, she tripped up on a mine on the Afghan border, she was cared for in France and after she left hospital, she rented a maid's room from the Spanish senora

M: And does she work?

MME: The Spanish woman?

M: No the Vietnamese

MME: She's an illegal immigrant, and of course she's disabled. You should see her climbing up all seven floors on only one leg

M: Fuck. And you talk about a life!

MME: Yes, you see.

Long and intense silence

SCENE 6

THE LOBBY

M: I just don't believe it

MME: What now?

M: That there could have possibly been as many as that.

MME: There could have possibly  been as many as what?

M (his index finger at his mouth) Quiet

MME: What are you talking about?

M: (whispering) If there had been as many as they said there were. Obviously there would have been less of them to talk and write about today because most of them  would have been eliminated yesterday

MME: Sorry, but….

M: It's logical

MME: Of course, but

M: I know, I know, you and maths

MME: What about me and maths?

M: I get it

MME: That's great

M: Why do you say "that's great" when we are arguing about this

MME: I was just saying "that's great" that "you get it" when you are talking to me.

M:You've just got to be totally perverse haven't you

MME: I have to read your mind just to keep up, I don't understand a word you're saying.

M: I was saying you've got to be totally perverse to make up those sorts of nastinesses.And what's
it all for?

MME: I…I…I…I don't know what you are on about.

M: Cash, that's what!

MME: Cash?

M:What else?

M: What sort of cash?

M: The cash that they rake in writing their books, or making their films, or discussing them on talk programmes  on prime-time TV not to mention all the other rip-offs - they're just jumping on the bandwagon.

MME: I don't get it, I tell you.

M: Well, I like it better that way

MME: Like what better, what way?

M: When you don't get it

MME: If that's the intention…………….

M: Or rather when you pretend that you don't get it

MME: Listen, I swear, I don't get it I am not  pretending.

M: Well, let's say that I totally understand you - is that alright?

MME: Listen, if you think you even understand yourself let alone understand me………

M: There are some things which are better not understood, especially in this country, do you follow me….

He whistles

MME:  What are you saying?

M: Nothing I was just whistling

MME: Why are you whistling?

M: Why shouldn't I whistle?

MME: You never whistle

M: I'm whistling so that I am not tempted to talk

MME: You don't want to talk to me any more?

M: I don't want to risk getting into trouble with them …..

MME: Who are "them"?

M: It's terrible isn't it!

MME: What's terrible?

M: The compulsion you have to make me shout out things  that I don't even want to whisper.

MME: If you don't want to say them, don't say them

M: I am trying bloody hard not to - thanks a lot for your help!

MME: Try harder, but don't whistle - it pierces my eardrums

M: I have absolutely no desire for them to issue me with a fatwa in broad daylight now, do you follow me?

MME: (Scared and whispering) You're talking about the Arabs now?

M: NO NO NO. Do you really want to bury us  in shit or what?

(She continues to whisper)
 
MME: Sorry but you did say "fatwa" didn't you?

M:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I said Fatwa, but it was only to avoid saying………

MME: What?

M: I don't even know the word….

MME: What word?

M: The word in their language…..

MME: What language?

M: The language the (Jewish) Lobby use

MME: The language the Lobby use?

M: There, there you go, you've made me say it now, I've said it now! Shit!

MME: You've said what?

M: You want me to dot the i s

MME: There aren't any i s

M: What are you saying?

MME: There aren't any i s

M: There aren't any i s?

MME: It is a y

M: What are you talking about?

MME: I may be no good at maths, but spelling on the other hand…..

M: Oh no, spare me the boasting about your brilliance at school - this isn't the time

MME: Brilliance or not, there isn't an i in lobby only a y

M: So according to you, I don't know how to spell "lobby"

MME: Henri you said i

M: I said i.? When, when, when did I say i ?

MME: Lobby in the singular has a y. Lobby in the plural has an i e s as in Lobbies

M: Shut up, shut up, shut your bloody mouth.

MME: Henri ,watch your blood pressure!

After some time

M: (Murmuring) Bravo

MME: Why are you saying "bravo" to me?

M: I didn't say bravo to you - I said bravo to the Lobby who have managed to sow dissension in the breasts of a wonderfully harmonious couple like us! Bravo!, Bravo!, Bravo!

(A desolate silence - he goes on in a loud voice)

If I could find a country anywhere, even a country miles away, that didn't happen to be Arab, let's just say, a civilised country where the Lobby don't pull all the strings. I would happily go and seek asylum there but…..

MME: But what dear?

M: Nothing I've already said too much. What are we eating for supper?

MME: Some gefilte fish

M: Where from? 

MME: The neighbours mother-in-law who's….

M: The Spanish woman

MME: No,no. The neighbour upstairs

M:(yelling in a low voice) Gefilte fish - it's not going to be allowed in here, never never. Never do you understand?

MME: If you don't like it I'll order you a pizza

M: What makes you say I don't like it?

MME: You just said so.

M: I said I don't want it in the house. How do you know whether or not I like gefilte fish? I've never ever eaten it and I'm never ever going to eat it!

MME: With anchovies

M: Not even with anchovies!

MME: Your pizza..

M: My pizza?

MME: With or without

M: With or without what?

MME: Anchovies!

M: With, and with some olives too. You're sure she can't hear us?

MME: Who?

M: The neighbour - upstairs?

MME: She isn't there, she's gone on holiday

M: Who is making the Gefilte fish then?

MME: Her mother-in-law

M: What is she doing up there?

MME: She is looking after the dog

M: What dog?

MME That wolf thing. Her daughter-in-law's one.

M: What on earth are you talking about?

MME: The German Shepherd who frightens you on the stairs

M: Frightens ME?

MME: Yes, on the landing as you get out of the lift

M: Are you calling me a  coward!

MME: I am not calling you anything

M: Oh yes you are!

Silence

What's on the telly tonight?

MME: Schindler's List

M: That doesn't surprise me

MME: What doesn't surprise you

M: They control everything

MME: The pointy heads? (She whispers) With the slitty eyes?

Henri nods his head
A heavy silence

Scene 7

A MATTER OF CHANCE

M: I just don't believe it 
(She says nothing)
That it's all a matter of chance
(She says nothing)
I am talking to you!

MME: Sorry

M: Have you dropped off?

MME: Not at all

M: I am trying to have a conversation and you've gone to sleep

MME: I was lost in my thoughts

M: Lost where?

MME: In my thoughts

M: What were you thinking about?

MME: Things, obviously

M: What sort of things?

MME: You are so irritating sometimes

M: Embarrassing things?

MME: I don't have that sort of mind. What do you believe I'm thinking about !

M: Exactly, I don't believe

MME: Yes, I realise that - thank you

M: I don't believe you were lost in your thoughts

MME: Where was I then?

M: Deep in the arms of the Sandman

MME: I told you, I am not like that

M: Okay let's drop it

MME: Finally - the penny's dropped!

M: So, I was saying………

MME: My feet are killing me - if you want to know

M: God - that's interesting

MME: Isn't it?

M: So, I was saying………

MME: When my feet are killing me, I think about my feet.

M: And what exactly do you think about your feet?

MME: That depends when

M: Well, now?

MME: I am wondering whether I should soak them in a bucket of salt water

M: Salt?

MME:  Sea salt, yes

M: Why

MME: To relax them

Silence

M: I just don't believe it

MME: That I should soak my feet?

M: That sea salt relaxes them

MME Not sea salt on its own, but dissolved in water, yes

M: Whatever nonsense you believe makes you better

MME: I didn't make you say it

M: That'll be the day, you making me say something that I don't want to say

Silence

MME: What were you saying?

M: What about?

MME: How should I know?

M: You interrupt me with your stories of salty feet, and then you ask me what I was saying!

MME: Well, it must have been terribly important

M: It was terribly important.

MME: Go on then, I am all ears

M: Ah yes, I was saying I just don't believe it is all a matter of chance

MME: All what?

M: Everything

MME: I believe it is

M: You believe?

MME: Yes, I believe that everything is ordained, yes

M: Predestined?

MME: Yes, that's it - predestined

M: You agree with me

MME: Not at all! And to prove it………….

M: To prove what?

MME: That I believe and what you don't believe.

M: Yes, I don't believe that it  is all a matter of chance

MME Well I believe it is all pre-ordained

M: You're a stupid idiot

MME: It's you that's the stupid idiot
 
M: Listen to me when I am talking to you!

MME: Why should I - you keep repeating yourself

M: Yes, but I am agreeing with you now

MME: No you're not. I am saying, I do believe, and you, you're saying, I don't believe.

M: Oh God you're such a stupid idiot

MME: I don't believe -

M: Well, there we are then…

MME I don't believe I am such a stupid idiot, I think it's you that's such a stupid idiot that you are completely unable to see what a stupid idiot you are.

M; Okay

MME: Where are you going?

M: To walk the dog

MME: We don't have a dog

M: Exactly

MME: Exactly what?

M: He never goes out

MME: What are you on about?

M: Woof! Woof! You see he wants to go walkies

MME: If you're more than an hour you can sleep in the basket with your dog!

M: Wooooof! Wooooooof! I've got my keys

MME: I'll bolt it from the inside

M:  Wooof! Wooof! You can see how pleased he is to go walkies to do his business.

She turns up the sound on the telly. A roar is heard
The door slams
Then a commentary on Lions the king of the animals

Scene 6

TECHNICALLY SPEAKING

Same place same time
They both sprawled out on their chairs
She speaks first

MME: I don't believe it

M; No - that takes the biscuit

MME: Biscuit or not - I don't believe it

M:What

MME: Virgin birth
(He whistles in admiration)
Don't whistle it's common

M:  Why don't you believe it

MME: You wouldn't understand

M: Me!?

MME: You've never been a mother

M: I was a father

MME: Don't even mention it

M: (after a pause) What are you insinuating?

MME: Nothing, Why?

M: You don't think I was a good father?

MME: Let's not talk about the children before we go to bed! You want to give me another
sleepless night!

M: You're the one who mentioned them

MME: Technically, yes………

M: How technically?

MME: There you are, you've forgotten

M: I've forgotten what?

MME: How children are conceived

M: Alright, alright, I get it, talking about sex gives me a head-ache

MME: I know

M: What do you know? 

MME: That you've got a head-ache and talking about sex isn't going to cure it.

A pause, then….

M: Even if I had forgotten, that wouldn't have anything to do with it.

MME: With what

M:  Virgin birth

MME: Well just explain to me how it works - technically

M: In vitro

MME: Satanas, I know. Spare me the latin

M: Artificial Insemination,cloning, drip-feeding, you know, all those new medical techniques

MME: Those new techniques didn't exist at that time

A new pause, then….

M: If He had managed to……

MME: Who is he?

M: Him on high

MME: Say so then, how the hell do I know who you are talking about. I am not God.

M: Well if He could make Eve out of Adam's rib

MME:  Mmm yes….

M: And He could make it rain frogs, and cut the Red Sea in half so that Moses and his little band of Jews could escape the Pharaoh, so I can't see , technically speaking, what would stop him planting his little seed where the hell he wanted, can you?

MME: Look I know nothing about frogs, nor Jews, and I never go to the sea-side

M: Only because you don't like it!

MME: In winter. But in Summer………..

M: In Summer it's packed - stay here and there is no one around

MME:: Packed or not. I am speaking from experience you're just telling me what other people have told you.

M: Biblical people. The Holy Scriptures no less

MME Yes, but I've lived through it, in my own body

M: And I am telling you again that every time you became a mother I was the father, I rather believe

MME: What's that supposed to mean

M: I think I have been totally clear

MME: I am not the sort of woman that you seem to think I am

M: I don't think anything

MME: I know, thanks. I would have said no - even to Him on high 

M: So He on high tried to chat you up as well then?

MME: Not Him, but your cousin Leon

M: Which cousin Leon

MME: How many cousin Leons have you got - more than a dozen?

(A pause then she resumes)

And believe me there are some days when I regret having said no

M: To Leon

He laughs

MME: And others!

M: I don't believe it

MME: It's up to you

M: Well whatever - it's ancient history.

MME: So you say.

Silence

M: What's on the telly tonight then?

MME: Once the baby is born

M: A documentary?

MME: (reading from the telly guide) They say here: A filmed theatre production.

M: We're certainly not going to watch that!

MME: It's just before the documentary

M: What documentary

MME: The sex life of Brahmans

M: I see. The guy with the slitty eyes is at it again

MME: Jacques Cousteau has done the commentary

M: Who?

MME: Cousteau

M: Never heard of him

MME: Yes you have - he always does the commentaries

M: So, I'll recognise his voice  - what's he talking about?

MME: The Sex life of Brahmans

M: No, what's on before it?

MME: Once the baby is born

M: What are we eating

MME: Hot-dogs

M: Again!

MME: You told me you liked them

M: I said that it made a change

MME: Therefore you liked them

M: The first night - yes
(Silence then he starts on again)
Any idea why the Senora has got stuck on hot-dogs for the last ten days?

MME: (after some time)  It's me that got stuck on them.

M: And the Senora then, what the hell's she up to?

MME: That……………..

M: That, what?

MME: She's left

M: And you never mentioned it?

MME: I hope you don't think I have time to report on all the gossip in the building!

M: When's she coming back

MME: I told you, she's left. 

M: And the Vietnamese

MME: Gone too

M: Shit. They left together?

MME: What do you think? Her Vietnamese suddenly met a Cambodian dentist……

M: Love at first sight?

She agrees and then continues

MME: The Senora was so distraught that she got together with the mother-in-law of the neighbour upstairs
- the one with the dog and gefilte fish. That so annoyed the daughter-in-law that she booted out the mother-in-law, dog and all. So the Senora posted the key under the door and at the drop of a hat rushes off to join up with them all in the Balearic Islands.

M: Who?

MME: What?

M: To join up with who?

MME:The mother-in-law and the dog

M: Who does the dog belong to?

MME: The daughter-in-law, but naturally it is now very attached to the mother-in-law. As a result, when she chucked her out, the other one took the dog, knowing that the the daughter-in-law didn't have anyone to
look after it whilst she was at work, and if it was left alone the dog would howl the place down from dawn to dusk, do you follow me?

M: Only too well. So we are going to have hot dogs until the cows come home.

MME: Well I am doing what I can - I don't have four hands

M: Not like Shiva

MME: Who the hell's that?

M: Forget it………

MME: Don't start talking to me about the tarts at you work in mini-skirts showing off their asses… I couldn't give a damn whether they have four or six arms!

Long silence  

M: What were we talking about?

MME: When?

M: Just before I mentioned Shiva?

MME: Don't mention her again, thank you very much!

M: We were talking about what we were going to eat, weren't we?

MME: Tomorrow I'll order you a croque-monsieur unless you'd prefer a pizza

M: Virgin birth……

MME: Just say without anchovies - it's much simpler

M: We've just been talking about it

MME: What?

M: You said you believed in it, and I said I didn't

MME: That's the end of the News - turn up the sound so we don't miss the ads

The voice-over from an ADVERT : "So are you happy now"

Scene 6

THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD

M: I just don't believe in the 11th of November

MME: You weren't even born

M: When wasn't I even born

MME: In 1914-18

M: Why are you on about 1914-18

MME: You said you didn't believe in the Armistice!

M: What Armistice?

MME: The end of First World War, don't you remember?

M: Why should I remember the end of the First World War?

MME: The 11th of November

M: Ah yes, and so what about the 11th of November?

MME: You said that you don't believe it

M: The towers!

MME: What towers?

M: The twin towers!

MME: The 11th of September

M: That's it, I don't believe it

MME:  What exactly don't you believe?

M: I don't believe any of it

MME: They were smashed to pieces, though!

M: Oh that, yes..yes. We've seen that clip enough times on the telly. Of course they could have fabricated it like they did with the moon-landing, recorded it in a studio and afterwards killed all the technicians so they wouldn't leave any traces.

MME: That's a dreadful story !

M: And that's not even the half of it…. with the technology they have now….

MME: Why did they do that?

M: The Moon?

MME: No the towers?

M: That…..

MME: That, what?

A pause then

M: (half-heartedly) Bish …..Bosh…Boff

MME: Sorry

M: Bosh

MME: The President?

M: That's it. You've put your finger on it

MME: Okay but that doesn't tell me why?

M: To muck up the insurers

MME: To muck up who?

M: (trying to keep a grip on himself) Please try to keep up  - it's not the sort of thing you shout from the rooftops - especially if you're making me repeat it.

MME: Sorry

A beat. Then he starts in again

M: The buildings were malfunctioning. Straw in the steelwork, water in the gas pipes, a whole history of bribes and kickbacks. You can see where I am going with this?

MME: Uhh……………….

M: They were going to fall down one day, anyway…..

MME: Oh God!

M: Anyway it was a put up job to avoid a catastrophe.

MME: What catastrophe?

M: The collapse of the towers

A moment

MME: What about that chap with the beard?

M: What chap with the beard?

MME: What did he used to call himself?

M: Yes, yes, I know the one you mean

MME: What was he called?

M: When you don't remember, I seem to forget as well.

MME Well, anyway, him, he definitely exists.

M: Who?

MME: The chap with the beard

M: Him?

MME: Yes with his Kalachnikov and his funny scarf

M: An actor!  A stand-in! You could see the glue all over him

MME: He was a glue sniffer?

M: On his beard. And the scenery, you saw the scenery? The same old shit and they don't even bother to make us believe it's actually real. A cave in Colorado, and there you are. Action!
  
MME: Colorado

M: A studio job - it stinks, doesn't it?

MME: But why Colorado

M: They have secret studios hidden in the Rockies so that they can continue to broadcast if there is a nuclear war. They've got them everywhere.

MME: And what about the pilots?

M: What pilots?

MME: The Kamikaze ones

M: What Kamikaze ones?

MME: In the towers

M: Yes. What do you mean in the towers?

MME: The ones in the planes?

M: Yes and so?

MME: Who were they?

M: Chaps who had been trained for that.

MME: So they were real?

M: They made a killing…….They weren't on welfare benefits, believe me.

MME: And the Pentagon?

M: What are you talking about?

MME: The Pentagon

M: Oh. They didn't even need a plane for that one. They cut the planes, because they never intended to put it out live on telly

MME: Who did you get all this from?

M: I can't tell you

MME: Why can't you tell me

M: Someone high up, believe me. He even gave me some irrefutable proof.

MME: And what was this piece of irrefutable proof?

M: He said to me: "Always ask yourself who profits from the crime"…………

MME: Yeah, and?

M: Who profits from the crime?

MME: I don't know

M: Bosh

MME: Who?

M: (repeating it) Bosh!

MME: The president?

M: He got himself re-elected didn't he? And as a bonus he was able to attack Iraq, like his father.(A pause. Then he continues) You know, when I think about it, it makes me ill.

MME What makes you ill, dear?

M: Everything. And especially the gullibility of the masses. Yeah that's it, the gullibility of the masses….
(Short silence, then he continues) What's on the telly this evening?

MME: The Bunker

M: What's that, the usual crap?

MME: A docu-drama

M: What about?

MME: Hitler

M: Oh him, that glove puppet

MME: Why glove puppet?

M: They never even found his body

MME: So

M: So, nothing…………

MME: No, you should tell me

M: So you can go and tell all the neighbours?

MME: I'm fed up with the whole building

M: And gossip to all the shopkeepers?

MME: I order the pizzas over the phone. I only ever talk to a machine, there's never a human being at the end of the line.

M: He's still alive

MME: Who?

M: Hitler

MME: No?!

M: Yes

MME: So now he'd be the oldest man in the world?

M: Something like that………..

MME: Even thinking about it brings me out in goose pimples

M: HIm, he would have lots and lots to say, only…….

He groans abruptly

MME: Don't even think about it, it makes you feel ill

M: I can't help it.

MME: What can't you help?

Silence
Then as if he's suddenly woken up

M: Hey, what?

MME: What can't you help?

M: What?

MME: I was just asking, what can't you help

M: Why are you asking ?

MME: Hitler?

M: What are you talking about?

MME: Hitler

M: Never heard of him!

MME: You know, you should consult….

M: Who?

MME: A doctor

M: For what reason?

MME: You're suddenly becoming more and more forgetful

M: What am I forgetting?

MME: There, you've just forgotten

M:Who?

MME: Hitler.

Henri stares at her for a long time and then says:

M: My love

MME: What?

M: It's you, it's you who should consult………………

Scene 9

YOU REMEMBER

Solange is sitting next to her husband who seems to be totally in a world of his own

MME:" I just don't believe it" you used to say, and I replied "I  believe it," then you
called me an i,d,i,o,t and I returned the compliment. We had a row, do you remember?
You came out with all sorts of mad ideas, and I used to contradict you by saying I believed it, if you didn't, and I  had the right to express my beliefs. Because we live in a Republic, because of the 14th July, the Bastille, the Terror, The Empire and all that - it's all history now. Then you got hurt, you clammed up, and you went into a sulk - for the whole evening. Do you remember?
In the end it was me that really lost it, bawling at you like a fishwife, shouting: "Your constantly contradicting me with 'I just don't believe it'  makes me want to punch that sulky face of yours, every day of the week, bank holidays included" Do you remember?
It was an evening, like this evening, sitting eating, in front of the telly, the sound off, because it was about wild-life and animals. It is more beautiful without the words and even Jacques Cousteau's voice.
It's sad that I don't remember what it was that you didn't believe, and what it was that I believed. Sad because that evening we had such a lovely evening. I don't even know what sort of animals they had on the telly.
I only remember that our neighbour had put cod into the paella, and you didn't like it. You thought that the cod had spoilt the taste of the chorizo sausages, it didn't make your mouth water like it should have done. "Suddenly it is all rather bland" you said, do you remember?
It's sad that you don't remember anything since you caught this disease which makes you forget things -everything, even the happy moments.
You'll laugh, but I have even forgotten that German name of your illness. It's true. You always used to say: "Those Germans have unpronounceable names, and speak French like Spanish waiters". And do you remember, the day you asked Dr Cohen: "Why have I caught this German disease, and why haven't the Germans caught mine?"
Dr Cohen wanted you to repeat that, but you…you had already forgotten it. Do you remember?
I am so sad that I have forgotten everything that you believed, and everything that I just didn't believe. 
And vice-Versailles.

M: (burbling) Beugueulbeuh…..

MME: Yes?

M:Beugueulbeuh!

MME: I feel the same

M: Ijusdunbeleeveeeit

MME: Me neither dear, me neither

She takes his hand, and continues to watch the telly. He remains absent.

A long silence. Black-out